wont

really really struggling

i am having a major confidence crisis and people are merciless in their judgment and gossip

i just have to get out of this town.

i just have to find a way to get out of here

they contribute everything to my ptsd scapegoating me for their mistreatment and abuse.

and the cops that will do nothing

and the torture i live through day to day

unable to heal

how can you when all people reference you as is your ptsd

shaking my head.

i will never have a job

i will never have a friend a partner

any happiness

i will never have a life

i have been rendered unable to live even by my disability

and every time i have the courage to even try

to go to school

get a job

reach out to people

volunteer

fuck go to a gym

im shot down thrown out

put out

rejected

talked down about

meanwhile i show more courage and resilience than most of them could ever muster

well my perseverance is about to run out

if nothing changes soon

i will be killing myself.

i cannot stand to go year after year

suffering like this

and no one hearing me or giving a damn.

the riding isnt even working anymore

last term when i was riding and i was doing well

i had confidence to try classes again

to think i could work again etc.

be positive dont speak the negative into the universe my friend says

victim blaming like always

so i tried all that

gave gifts stayed fake confident

only to be made the scapegoat pigeon hole again

why bother.

thats what i say

nothing i have to offer is seen as good enough

all people do is put me down for what im not

instead of seeing what i am

and the people i have known

family friends counsellors etc

no one not a one

has bothered to HELP ME

no one has ever given me a job

been willing to hire me themselves etc

yet they flaunt their stuff

and their jobs

and put me down for not having

etc

im sick of it

it is some kind of sick pleasure they get out of making me feel badly

and they feel superior

ijust cant stand any of this anymore

last term i felt confident if i could handle that thousand pound beast

i could do anything

this term

disaster area.

my whole life

all of my attempts

disaster area

then i see a story about jennifer schuett

and how she has thrived

her husband looks like my ex bf

literally

and her ability to have a family kids love.

whats wrong with me

that i cannot

have not

wont.

and i wont keep breathing if i cant live.

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