really really struggling
i am having a major confidence crisis and people are merciless in their judgment and gossip
i just have to get out of this town.
i just have to find a way to get out of here
they contribute everything to my ptsd scapegoating me for their mistreatment and abuse.
and the cops that will do nothing
and the torture i live through day to day
unable to heal
how can you when all people reference you as is your ptsd
shaking my head.
i will never have a job
i will never have a friend a partner
i will never have a life
i have been rendered unable to live even by my disability
and every time i have the courage to even try
to go to school
get a job
reach out to people
fuck go to a gym
im shot down thrown out
talked down about
meanwhile i show more courage and resilience than most of them could ever muster
well my perseverance is about to run out
if nothing changes soon
i will be killing myself.
i cannot stand to go year after year
suffering like this
and no one hearing me or giving a damn.
the riding isnt even working anymore
last term when i was riding and i was doing well
i had confidence to try classes again
to think i could work again etc.
be positive dont speak the negative into the universe my friend says
victim blaming like always
so i tried all that
gave gifts stayed fake confident
only to be made the scapegoat pigeon hole again
thats what i say
nothing i have to offer is seen as good enough
all people do is put me down for what im not
instead of seeing what i am
and the people i have known
family friends counsellors etc
no one not a one
has bothered to HELP ME
no one has ever given me a job
been willing to hire me themselves etc
yet they flaunt their stuff
and their jobs
and put me down for not having
im sick of it
it is some kind of sick pleasure they get out of making me feel badly
and they feel superior
ijust cant stand any of this anymore
last term i felt confident if i could handle that thousand pound beast
i could do anything
my whole life
all of my attempts
then i see a story about jennifer schuett
and how she has thrived
her husband looks like my ex bf
and her ability to have a family kids love.
whats wrong with me
that i cannot
and i wont keep breathing if i cant live.