why bother

there are women ( and men sometimes for that matter) that i have been attracted to; interested in

but the truth is that i am not a viable option in this society.

period.

people can say they are for equality and equity blah blah standing up for the little guy

the truth is they share the same mentality as the majority.

what do i mean by this? they may treat you with kindness condescension even

they may help you even imagine that concept

BUT

and this is the biggest but< lol butt ha ha

would they legitimately think of you as a friend; as in an equal a viable option or thought to hang out with have fun with spend time with.

Would they hire you?

Would they date you?

these are the real tests of equality not only in testament but in attitudes and actions.

no no im not saying someone has to date you to prove they are not a bigot lol

im saying that true equity would be that others would see you as a viable option; you wouldnt automatically be struck from consideration as we are those of us with disabilities on the most part in regards to the above noted circumstances.

ie. a friend, an employee, a partner.

no one would want to date someone that is poor; theyd be embarrassed of you

no one would want to date someone that has mental health diagnosis or be your partner and build a life with you would they

no no and no

they would be embarrassed of you to tell their friends that you are ie bipolar or have ptsd and dont work so youre poor as shit

you arent seen as having value.  nothing to contribute give or to make the life or your potential partner's life, better.

and that is an awful place to be.

as a person who is disabled.

if someone loved us and supported us and helped us to fulfill our potential

we could be more.

but the more people judge us and reject us the more we feel badly about ourselves internalize that and then feel like we cant do anything anyway we internalize those messages that society perpetually gives us about ourselves and our worth or rather still our lack there of.

im extremely attracted to successful and strong women.

but they would NEVER look at me

so how does that make a person feel? it is like you have to be a certain something in this society in order to be able to be considered

and when you are disabled especially with mental health NO ONE would ever want the "mess" of you.

to include you let alone to be your friend or employer or mentor or partner.

people can act all indignant o im not prejudiced and people with disabilities should be treated well

as they pat you on the head with superiority and condescension if you even get that; kindness from them that is

but would they consider you as a viable equal levelled OPTION? the answer is a resounding not.

They would never take home someone that is on disability especially with a mental illnes and proudly introduce them to their family "im in love with this person and they dont work they live on a fixed income and they have mental illness or a disability of some sort?

can you imagine the familial disapproval let alone their colleagues and friends that are functional and well? Why would you date someone like THAT? you cant save people you know and they arent your equal or worthy of you, etc.

and you know im right

and the thing is maybe if i were a bit more unwell it wouldnt bother me to mind.

but i see things for exactly what they are; status quo and it burns and it hurts

i know how people look down on me; subordinate me by my status or lack there of.

let alone the stigma and fear associated with mental illness.

theyd never love you or choose you because what is it theyd figure that you could possibly offer or give to them? if not for financial gain or prestige in society no one wants anything to do with

you gotta be some body for some body to love you.

"love" anyways really

i think im the last of the mohicans that genuinely loves; regardless of whatever.

maybe perhaps that is one blessing of not being a part of....

born of being disabled.

one thing anyways

doesnt give you much company however doesnt compensate for much.

but still

that line from that mike moore movie? "theres no love in this world for me"

yes sir.

i know that all too well.

People say to me celebrate your small accomplishments

well small means for nothing in the larger scheme of things and you know it

if i get out of bed and show up

no one gets the enormity of that task at times.

they just look at their bank account swell from their abilities and ability to function and earn.

i feel endlessly with my nose on the proverbial glass.

i can have a good day in windsor and think o it isnt so bad here i could stay

and then inevitably as the shine wears off i always rewind back to

i just want out.

theres got to be more for me out there than this

now whether or not im able to make more for myself is another question

there are so many things im interested in and would love to do and learn

but i know at this point im not even capable.

so where in lies the motivation then to keep on keeping on

what is it that i contribute? what is the point of me continuing to walk on this side of the earth genuinely if i cant do the things i want live the life i dream and pursue the things i want

and accomplish them.

there really is no point then

im not ABLE to live basically

i exist on the margins

and then you have landlords like this prick that say you dont have the right to live here.

i went and saw my old building to see if they had anything available as a last minute resort depending on how things play out here

and the units that were once so beautiful are destroyed literally

i couldnt believe it

so this guy looks down his nose on me here like im not deserving of shelter even

and look at what real shitty tenants can do dude.

hey i might not be martha stewart but im not an episode of hoarders either with dead cats in my back room

i dont destroy their assets

thats for sure. i respect things and take care of them

my mom taught us that as kids.

we were made to take diligent care of our things because we were a farming family my dad not much of a provider so we had to take care of the things we had and appreciate them so as to make them last.

so this guy thinks im such a second rate piece of shit? bigoted much?

we will see how other tenants respect his property in comparison to how i do

ive seen it first hand what a shame

i am a good respectful quiet responsible tenant.

the end.

so tomorrow is my mediation with the college's lawyer

i have no legal representation

so im going in there to fight with someone with nuclear weapons with a butter knife.

myself and some kitten 19 yr old brand new ssw girl

good luck.

why bother going right?

shaking my head. no justice ever

same with the cicb i havent heard anything from them STILL.

if i had that i could go the fuck where i wanted. now.

and i could wait then for something suitable on the housing etc.

instead im stuck in this shit hole.

i have been really hating my circumstances lately and indirectly myself.

it is hard to hate your disability and constraints without hating yourself too

and when you feel like you cant exact change or go after what you want and do it or bring into your life what you want you just want to kill yourself.

legitimately

i really really hope that they will give me the rental subsidy or geared to income in a decent place so that i can move from here to up there in one fall swoop without having to move inbetween some where else in windsor.

i cant afford that shit let alone the hassle

and the hassle it puts on my cats.

i hate i mean absolutely hate being in my circumstances anymore

never dawned on me before to mind

right now i cant bear them

to be middle aged and have housing instability still

and live in a town that makes me feel badly about myself

by their attitudes and treatment over all and their inability to give me a second go

if they dont believe in rehab and growth what is the point of counselling then?

if they are only ever going to see me one way you tell me whats the point in working so hard to improve

when all anyone is going to see anyways

is what theyve "heard" about you.

in this town.

shaking my head.

i looked up to that cop woman; i wanted her to respect me too i thought she may even

then she was as ignorant to me as she was.

i look up and shes looking down

nothing hurts more than that.

to the point that she doesnt even care what my father did to me; probably doesnt believe it even.

but judges me dragging around suffocating in the aftermath of being raped for thirteen years.

how ass backwards is that let alone for a cop?

just like looking up to savoy and her looking down on me

or my brother.

it is a wonder i continue on this side of the earth

im sure to many's dismay

sometimes i wonder why i bother.

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