try something totally new

i feel sad today

i am so tired of the dismissive annoyed disrespectful attitude that people have with me.

They think that if they allow me to participate, they are being kind some how.

No actually you are simply permitting me my basic civil rights.

However true inclusion is more than tolerating someone.

They are so rude to me in their manner in this town.

When i speak people ignore me literally; even when im trying to be friendly

people call me sweetie and condescend like im cognitively impaired.

people ask me if i can take medication for my disability

?

it is outrageously mean even when i am trying to speak to them

all in a friendly manner

they are rude and mean

this other woman at the desk

why dont you write down what you do?

um because i dont want to

and im almost fifty years old practically and if i dont want to i dont have to

and i know what i do

theres a thought

im not as stupid and crazy as you assume i am

i remember what i do as a workout

and i know what i do and dont do

i have a routine

in my head honey and just because i dont write it down

doesnt mean i dont know what im doing

i feel sad

that i cant fit into main stream society

you see these people that offered me the job havent seen me

what if they do and then dont want me?

saadia finally contacted me with info on my first meeting with the counsellors

i dont know how much stock to put into any of it or time investment frankly

or if i should just shove off

and try that job

that is what i want to do

but im scared.

ive tried counselling for a gazillion years and it never has worked for almost thirty years rolled up

so i dont know how this will make things any different or better.

so i dont know if i should try or just vamoose and go and try to live my life.

that is what im leaning towards.

everytime ive tried the counselling thing

it has been futile.

i would be the most sad about leaving my riding.

but sometimes you have to try.

do i? dont i ? i donno

not like there are a lot of offers flying in at me ever.

so i have some things to think about and figure out.

If i could make things work the way i would like

i would have been working for the toronto humane or here or kitchener etc

but id be working with my cats.

and or teaching.

and in a regular city with success and inclusion and acceptance.

ive had so much rejection

im afraid to even try anymore.

my stomach hurts actually

then saadia calls to tell me about the appointment asks me how the horses are going and then when i answer

she acts like im long winded and boring

and wants me to shut up and or she wants to go

so why ask

for a one word answer.

rolling my eyes and shaking my head.

when you are lonely

you are longing for conversation.

and it hurts that no one values my voice enough

to hear me or be interested

respectfully and attentively

i think since my gramma died i havent had anyone that has attentively

listened to my stories or even cared about my feelings.

Esmeralda did.

and now she is gone too.

I feel that my youngest cat is acting depressed lately

very badly actually and i dont know what to do for her to help her.

i give her attention and play with her some

but she isnt very interested.

i was thinking she might like the kitten to play with.

either that or she'll be afraid

she is a very sensitive scaredy cat

when it rained this morning she laid right by my feet.

I wish i could believe in myself easily and that things would go easy.

i wish i had people to help.

never have and most likely never will

gotta help yourself.

just pick yourself up injustice or not

in this crazy ass backwards world

and do what you want to do

life is so short.

we never know when we are done

so you might as well go after what you want

contribute what you can

and if it doesnt work

keep on keeping on.

really that is all any of us can do

im tired of being on the sidelines

im gonna go anyways might as well try to do the things ive always wanted to do.

what do you think??

going for a walk in the sunshine.

talk to you later.

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