i feel sad today
i am so tired of the dismissive annoyed disrespectful attitude that people have with me.
They think that if they allow me to participate, they are being kind some how.
No actually you are simply permitting me my basic civil rights.
However true inclusion is more than tolerating someone.
They are so rude to me in their manner in this town.
When i speak people ignore me literally; even when im trying to be friendly
people call me sweetie and condescend like im cognitively impaired.
people ask me if i can take medication for my disability
it is outrageously mean even when i am trying to speak to them
all in a friendly manner
they are rude and mean
this other woman at the desk
why dont you write down what you do?
um because i dont want to
and im almost fifty years old practically and if i dont want to i dont have to
and i know what i do
theres a thought
im not as stupid and crazy as you assume i am
i remember what i do as a workout
and i know what i do and dont do
i have a routine
in my head honey and just because i dont write it down
doesnt mean i dont know what im doing
i feel sad
that i cant fit into main stream society
you see these people that offered me the job havent seen me
what if they do and then dont want me?
saadia finally contacted me with info on my first meeting with the counsellors
i dont know how much stock to put into any of it or time investment frankly
or if i should just shove off
and try that job
that is what i want to do
but im scared.
ive tried counselling for a gazillion years and it never has worked for almost thirty years rolled up
so i dont know how this will make things any different or better.
so i dont know if i should try or just vamoose and go and try to live my life.
that is what im leaning towards.
everytime ive tried the counselling thing
it has been futile.
i would be the most sad about leaving my riding.
but sometimes you have to try.
do i? dont i ? i donno
not like there are a lot of offers flying in at me ever.
so i have some things to think about and figure out.
If i could make things work the way i would like
i would have been working for the toronto humane or here or kitchener etc
but id be working with my cats.
and or teaching.
and in a regular city with success and inclusion and acceptance.
ive had so much rejection
im afraid to even try anymore.
my stomach hurts actually
then saadia calls to tell me about the appointment asks me how the horses are going and then when i answer
she acts like im long winded and boring
and wants me to shut up and or she wants to go
so why ask
for a one word answer.
rolling my eyes and shaking my head.
when you are lonely
you are longing for conversation.
and it hurts that no one values my voice enough
to hear me or be interested
respectfully and attentively
i think since my gramma died i havent had anyone that has attentively
listened to my stories or even cared about my feelings.
and now she is gone too.
I feel that my youngest cat is acting depressed lately
very badly actually and i dont know what to do for her to help her.
i give her attention and play with her some
but she isnt very interested.
i was thinking she might like the kitten to play with.
either that or she'll be afraid
she is a very sensitive scaredy cat
when it rained this morning she laid right by my feet.
I wish i could believe in myself easily and that things would go easy.
i wish i had people to help.
never have and most likely never will
gotta help yourself.
just pick yourself up injustice or not
in this crazy ass backwards world
and do what you want to do
life is so short.
we never know when we are done
so you might as well go after what you want
contribute what you can
and if it doesnt work
keep on keeping on.
really that is all any of us can do
im tired of being on the sidelines
im gonna go anyways might as well try to do the things ive always wanted to do.
what do you think??
going for a walk in the sunshine.
talk to you later.