says it better

hey

the humidity is mounting

i need to clean around here and i couldnt care less

gonna have to plug in that a/c shortly

since my moms neighbor is an equal asshole to her

and fucked me around

speaking of which

she makes me all upset and then assumes ill come like a dog for a pat to her house today

no apology to work her out

well fuck you honey

not happening.

looks good on her

when i came out of the gym there was a message from her

are you coming

i wrote her back pretty much at the time i was due there and said nope i am just getting this now

so i had made other plans.

im sick of her blatant disregard bullying and abuse frankly

she is one sicko lately

like her crazy switch hits boy

i swear to you she is jealous of me

seriously i swear to god.

she is always trying to insult me or amp me up by upsetting me some how

yesterday i was all zen having come back from my time at the barn

rebel worked his magic and really centered me great therapeutic affect yesterday

i came home feeling better than i had all week

and i called her to see if she wanted to work out yesterday

instead of today because the weather was nice i had the time

had the energy

i told her that i was so happy i get to finish with my rebs.

and that he has recently broke out in hives.

she says

id break out in hives too if i knew i was going to be cremated in two weeks.

of course i became beyond upset

and then she admonishes me for crying and getting pissed off at her

she says o well life doesnt come with a script

sometimes people say things that you dont like.

or my mommy dearest wack job does it on purpose

so she can get rid of me

which is what she wants anyways

my mom is who would like me moved away the most frankly

all of them ie family

i called aunt therese today to see how her first night being at home alone was

i wanted her to go to the barn day with me really badly

and she is leaving to go to the kids in alberta

she starts crying and says i dont want to be a burden to them

i said you arent she said i think they see me that way

i felt like saying

did you talk to my mom?

my mom says that to me all the time cruelly they dont want her around that is why they live far away

who is she to begin to know anything

she doesnt even know how to act

you should have seen her at the funeral

she is dilly dally says the stupidest most embarrassing things

since her stroke seriously

she has always been off the chain with me

but she is just unable to follow things anymore

then gets mad when people laugh at her

she loves when i get mad

then she can put me down for it

since i was a kid

revs me up like a bully bone fida

then mocks me for crying or being angry or whatever

she is a loo loo bird.

if i do stay in windsor

id be better off distanced from that toxic bitch

in plain english

the more time she is controlled by him

the more nasty she is to me

judgey judgey judge

him and her leave me out and go to all the kids things out in the county

rude as shit

and he loves that

that iron clad hold on her exclusively and she is such a piece of shit

she doesnt care with whom she is entertained

as long as she is

when he worked i went there three times a week sometimes and we hung out and i kept her company

now that he is retired i NEVER literally never have a private visit that isnt contrived without him around

or terminating it by showing back up

gone are the days of our leisure and enjoyment

and she is a user

i was good enough when he wasnt around

now that her preference is there

i can go fuck myself.

theres a mom.

yuck just sickly yuck

asked her if she would go to the barn day with me that i really want to see the horse demos with people who can really ride riding

i like to learn by watching and i never get to see people ride.

i literally begged mom to go with me

she says no.

like always

even in the face of a funeral she never learns that we are here for a short time not a long time.

and treat people even me right.

hurtful doesnt encapsulate lemme tell you

then this woman that aunt therese works with through community living

i met her at the funeral and she kind of latched on to me

made a new friend she is young and lives on her own etc

and her worker doesnt want me to be her friend.

that is not nice.

this is my life.

she needs friends i need friends we are both disabled but both good people

and they think im a creep or lord knows what

even aunt therese said that is so good you guys should keep on talking it is good for the two of you

then her worker says no.

sickening.

the subsidy thing still no movement

and i havent heard anything from the cbc poetry contest outcome.

i would be elated if i made the long list.

that is really my goal.

so off aunt therese goes and now i dont have her here.

she has gone off to see her kids indefinitely she said

she left it open ended.

i had asked her to go with to the barn

she used to spend time with me too

now she is gone.  with losing uncle rick

it is like i lost my support too

and trust me my supports are in short supply.

i dont even have the love of my family.

i hurt so much all the time

and not a damn person listens.

 

crying at the top of my voice but no one listening.

nothing says it better.

ttyl

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