quick note to say im alive.

well as in in existence anyways.

so much going down these days dont know where to start

to begin.

Nugget is definitely slowing down dunno how long she will be able to be with us

Amata patatas is at my feet right now.

such a good friend.

Aunt Therese ended up taking Rupert the little cat i found in the garbage outside my building

the other littler kitten the neighbor hunted down, was put down at the humane society.

they are so euthanasia happy.

what i suspect is they hold them in the pound area for three days for claim

and they probably never gave him the wet food he needed; he was so small that one he probably shouldnt have even been removed from his mother.

hey at least he was surviving in my alleyway where i was leaving the wet food out

jeff of nasty bird man fame, hunted him down and took him into the humane society

only for them to murder.

if he didnt have wet food he would immediately have kitten wasting being that little

he wouldnt even have all his teeth to deal with the kibbles.

so he was probably starved basically for three days then they said they "had" to kill him because he was "too weak"

well maybe if you took care of them properly instead of wanting cats or kittens to die because you dont care about them and have too many of them! disgusting.

so aunt therese took "rupert" the teenage kitten i found in the garbage outside.

she is having a really hard time.

i find it interesting how people can show compassion for a widow and be there for them knowing they are lonely

but they never conceive of the level of loneliness one might have that has never BEEN married?

or in my case is ill, disabled and totally alone and the loneliness THAT might bring. wow.

i am still sitting in wait on the appeal for housing.

im not holding my breath because everyone ive asked to this point has said "no". of course.

story of my fuckn life.

i am trying to remain quietly optimistic but i just dont know

if it doesnt come through i am going to be absolutely devastated.

ive been trying to formulate lists of things i can do that are progressive

if the appeal doesnt work in my favor.

but lord it just has to

even tonight going out to feed the cats

i am so stressed being in this place/ town.

it is so low levelled and under socialized compared to big cities.

the people walk past you and literally are IN  YOUR FACE in this town.

it is absolutely crazy

like cave people that are going out for the first time in their lives.

it is about dominance and bullying.

the theme of windsor - from service providers to average piece of crap citizen= BULLY

low levelled bullies.

regardless im trying to prepare myself to be forward moving still in some way

if i cant do what i want to do

i can always make the decision to jump in feet first

and throw caution to the wind and not care that in two years i could end up homeless

because my reward income is "up for review" every two years.

this is what i was appealing.

i wanted a guarantee that up to the agreed upon settlement until that amount in full was reached, that i would continue to receive periodic payments

they refused.

so if they were to dock them out in two years, id be screwed

id literally be potentially homeless

and then what

id be exactly back where i am now

but without the subsidy i have now here.

so i could come back per say for the cheaper costs only slightly at this point anyways now

but i would have lost the help i at least have now.

however, i really wish i could have the subsidy but some where else.

where i am free of bias to live my life

or at least try.

im not dead yet and until i am i should have the right to pursue the things that fulfill me and make a life, worth living or living at all.

other people if they have a goal or pursuit they just have to go for it and do the work and they can

me, in this shit town? if i try to get a job or volunteer even

the minute the cops run a cpic on me they literally prevent me from being able to do ANYTHING.

i cant volunteer at the wild life center anymore because one of the women that works there is like bffs with my dad literally - that is a whole long convoluted story ill tell you another time

but ya they have known all along who i was

and have been in close alliance with my father which explains the hate on me in the animal community from the director of the humane that is on the board of directors at the wildlife center, where they send rehabbed ducks and water fowl to my dads property as he has built a duck pond where i was raised and had to leave like a refugee for his wrong doings.

sounds about fair doesnt it?

so he is worth far more to them in way of assets than i ever could be.

explains the disrespect and the innuendo of "delusion" because im sure that is his story about me saying what he has done and of course no one believing me. culture of victim blaming.

so i found out that terra is friends with him even; gets his cigarettes on a regular basis and took care of him when he was sick etc.


a golden disgusting yuck

and this is why i want out of here

he ruined all of my life and my todays even

i have to quit  what i like to do because of HIM always because of HIM.

the cops stave me off from doing anything fuck even studying

the same cops that invalidate me and basically call me a crazy liar.

polygraph my ass any time anywhere

and my sister also said the same happened to her.

so i guess shes a liar too now?

anyone is a liar that helps you not have to do your job


corrupt boys club.

like this entire town

one and the same

everything and everyone is interconnected a monopoly

even with service providers

the cops are the counsellors etc


i just need to exhale and some fresh air.

anyway i need to cut it short

gotta go to bed anyways.

Lord please, make this appeal work in my favor. please!



ps i finally broke up with my "friend" there from the states for good this past week

cops involved and everything.

she continues to text me everyday harassing me

not trying to reconcile or make good

literally to mock me and harass.

this is the "friend" ive wasted my need, and time on for three full years.

wow. i hate people generally speaking. gnite.

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