over and out

this is totally hopeless

im never going to get out of here.

ok if thats what happens

but im never going to have the life i want for myself.

ie. working with animals; FOR MONEY

not for volunteerism but for money

im sure after 17 yrs of earning my stripes so to speak the least i deserve is a paying gig.


there is no hope anymore

i just feel like killing myself seriously giving up entirely

up north,there are more jobs.  but i cant afford to get there and sustain myself

ok i get a job; what happens if i cant keep it ptsd style?

then what

then im back where i started

you tell me there is no  one anywhere -here there or anywhere

where someone who knows someone some how couldnt hire me

and support me to success.

if they know my challenges help me to stick with so i dont quit

not show up etc.

i will never have anything i want

so there is no point in continuing to walk this earth

others can exact change

they have the ability to seek after what they want

when you are disabled there are so many barriers

and so few people willing to give you a chance warts and all but see the skills above all

i am excellent with animals.

especially my cats.  im strong with animal related work; humane educator role?

that would be beautiful

cleaning would be wonderful; but for MONEY not just voluntary

i give up.

my hopes are humble

a job part time even, money coming in, a job, a car

and stable housing.

some friends that are my family.

weirdo wasnt at the gym today

thank god.

i keep looking over my shoulder now she has me so unnerved the stalking creeper

i woke up to a hold up at the corner store across the street

and a dead calico cat in the back that looked just like my callies.

i was devastated.

i know freak man/ woman said that she has a callie.

makes you wonder doesnt it?

if i had a car

i could do agricultural work in the county too even seasonally or in the greenhouses part time packing etc

i could do animal work out there

id love to clean for the horses.

if not necessarily working directly with them

i can feed clean and muck

im capable.

but no one hires me

im a teacher too

but animals are my love. i would love a fusion of humane educator and animal care.


i cant find an apartment

the ones i look at are imperfect all the time in some way

less than ideal

and up there there are more jobs ive even been offered some

dont mean i could do em even tho i want to.

i just feel hopeless.

no ability to change the things you are uncomfortable with

no power whatsoever.

no way out.

but over and out.


mom was in the hospital again last night for 6hours

she has a blood clot of some kind

she was slurring her speech.

always always always something

do you  know that cop took herself out of my cat rescue group?

that is rude.

she is rude.

wouldnt do anything for me either where my dad is concerned yet here she is on the commercial

pledge against bullying

that makes me laugh

the hospital other than my riding have been nothing but bullying on the most part where im concerned.



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