never dawned on me to mind

Honestly in losing Esmeralda and my mom really in one fall swoop this summer

It has been like a wrecking ball of reality has hit me between the eyes

rattling my head with no mercy.

It never dawned on me before to mind how alone i was or am in this world

because of my disability and people rejecting me for it

with the company of my mom

and the love and companionship of my Esmeralda.

I called mom today and she said that she doesnt even know if she will be able to workout with me this week

because of this and because of that

neither next week too

with him retired, they are off and gone all the time

doing this or travelling there

and i mean good for them

he's worked hard no matter what kind of a goof he can be

and he and her deserve it

he is young and they are both well enough yet ( touch wood) to enjoy his free time

and live off his laurels.

so they are taking off again this month and next!

you know i cant really resent her for it

when i wanted to go back to school for vet tech

and left her at home alone without him being at work and me being at school

i did what i wanted to do too; i mean i cared, but it was kind of like well tough i need to do what i want with this life and i love you and ill see you when i can.

sometimes i think that people hurt us and that not deliberately per say but by circumstances, and life just pulls us into different directions that take our attention for that period of time. and it might hurt others in our absence but it isnt like they dont love you it is just the way life is

like when a kid goes away to university or school in another town

it isnt that they dont love you

it is that they have to make their own way too in this world; go after what they want from this one go around thing we call life.

she is living her life; and i cant deny or resent her that.

and even if i did it wont change anything

life goes on

and it is what it is

and so it goes.

just like i said just like when i went back to school im sure she missed my company with him being at work eight hours a day and her and i always kept each other company two three times a week even sometimes when i first moved here and my time was wide open and so was hers.

I miss my mom.

I miss the old days; but i am very glad that i had that time with her. before she got too old to do things with me etc.  so in that regard i am glad i came back here.

time just keeps on passing whizzing past.

whether you are going at a snails pace

or running in the race too


then losing esmeralda this summer

i cannot believe how much she eased almost erased the pain of me being so alienated and isolated rejected, because of my mental illness and my lack of ability to create a life or relationships for myself from it.

I miss her so much.

There are not even words to tell you how agonizingly long every day is to me let alone night.

I keep trying to find other new things to do different things

my entire world was obliterated when the gym there i had been at for quite some time threw me out and then esmeralda had to be put down two days later.

it was one of the meanest things ever done to me and so unfair.

funny Brett never had a problem with me at his gym did he?

he said to people i was "strange" but he was kind to me and allowed me to just BE.

you dont have to understand it but you dont have to take offense to it either.

live and let live

i have the right to some enjoyment and life too the same as every other equal and free citizen.

today at the gym this woman that is a personal trainer came and stood by me on the arc for almost the entire hour i was on there?

i wonder if she is trying to drum up some business? it was weird.

when she came over to talk to me i said whats up ? am i in trouble?

look at that point of reference.

if that doesnt tell you how ive always been treated and done i dont know what else does.

i couldnt believe she was there just to TALK to me friendly like.

and she did!


i dunno someone at her church maybe said talk to those that others mistreat ? i dunno or outsiders?

but ill tell ya it was one of the sweetest things ever.

she stood there and listened to my stories about my horse back riding and talked with me about her horse riding lessons she takes too! :) it felt nice to be talked to and have someone enjoy talking to me even if it was just brief.

well an hour isnt brief. maybe her client cancelled?


anyways i almost cried when i thought of how kind it was of her to do that.

she talks in a fake voice and is aggravating to me; but it goes to show just like i dont want others to judge my exterior same here.

she was nice to me.

and that is huge in this day and age.

her kindness was duly noted and felt.

: )

anyways, im going to go sit with nugget for a bit.

I have laundry to do tonight i think

and a walk to get in.

i have running shoes to take back and blood work and physio to set up

things to do

i did four hours at the gym today. i was there before the sun was up

my days are never ending and void wihtout my ezzy girl.

I miss her so.

have a good day enjoy the sun

not a cloud in the sky today. look up!

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