feeling so totally frustrated tonight
my mom gets into an argument with me on the phone
going on about easter
and virtually scapegoating the fact
that my brother argues with me and abuses me
but some how if we fight it is MY exclusive fault.
ever heard of scapegoating much?
because i have.
they changed everything too to saturday because king tut almighty
wanted it that day instead.
they all consulted the important parties.
i was told after the fact
when it would happen.
that about tells you my rank and importance in family occasions.
they assume too i have nothing better to do; absolutely zero respect.
no discussion on rides to get me or drop me off
of course not
im so sick of this so called mother fuckn family
and i just want the fuck out of windsor
the assholes at the cicb have STILL not given me my decision
the hearing was on monday
and the format was document
but had it of been in person
they would have had to give me their decision
after their deliberation recess.
so how is this fair?
so because the format is easier really
they delay even longer
giving me my outcome.
i have had a stress hole in my stomach for a week or more
leading up to
and still in waiting.
nothing like endlessly being treated like a non person
by the world. for gods sakes.
i find myself mounting lately
one day i will explode
there is only so much that one person can take.
then poof pop goes the weasel
kids can be at risk?
so can bullied pressure on the dam
middle aged old broads too
one too many scoops of bullshit
i feel it in myself
i have to get away from people
because i find myself wanting to fn slug them
i was never like that before
this is why i need out of this community
it is the mocking and the harassing and being made the town freak show
that is the pressure on the dam
at least some where new or bigger
id have annonymity i wouldnt be so conspicuous and the talk of the town.
people say the rudest most audacious crap to me
you wouldnt even believe it if i told you
these women were mocking me at my zumba class yesterday
three of them came from the far left front of the class
to the far right back of the class
and said o show us how its done
and they were all laughing at me
the instructor along with
it is just sickening
i cant even just go to class and or for a walk and be left alone
some man walking his dog yelling my first name out to me
and i have no idea who he even is.
but he figures to know me and my name
that is how much these people talk in this town
it is like middle school
for the whole of your life.
no social skills
inexposed and ass backwards.
the other day this one woman that bullies me all the time at the gym
was getting in my grill
like literally physically getting up my ass
i was gonna pop her in the chops
i had to go into the other room
and i pounded my water bottle on the top of the counter
no one was there i was alone
just to let out steam
o this other old old lady was harassing me in the zumba too
she was like my moms age
o you are so distracting i cant stop looking at you in the mirror
i said what does THAT even mean
you have so much rhythm ive never seen anything like it.
i told her to stop watching me and pay attention to the instructor.
what a bunch of assholes.
then some random woman in the change room asked me if i had checked my weight lately
why am i looking fat obviously like that other woman said to me the other day on the street?
man i just have to get the mo fo out of here.
and im waiting
for this outcome.
so i know.
if i can go.
and if i cant
i will if you catch my drift because i will NOT
live here anymore
i will take myself out literally