feeling so totally frustrated tonight

my mom gets into an argument with me on the phone

going on about easter

and virtually scapegoating the fact

that my brother argues with me and abuses me

but some how if we fight it is MY exclusive fault.

ever heard of scapegoating much?

because i have.

they changed everything too to saturday because king tut almighty

wanted it that day instead.

they all consulted the important parties.

i was told after the fact

when it would happen.

that about tells you my rank and importance in family occasions.

they assume too i have nothing better to do; absolutely zero respect.

no discussion on rides to get me or drop me off

of course not

im so sick of this so called mother fuckn family

and i just want the fuck out of windsor

the assholes at the cicb have STILL not given me my decision

the hearing was on monday

and the format was document

but had it of been in person

they would have had to give me their decision

after their deliberation recess.

so how is this fair?

so because the format is easier really

they delay even longer

giving me my outcome.


i have had a stress hole in my stomach for a week or more

leading up to

and still in waiting.

nothing like endlessly being treated like a non person

by the world. for gods sakes.

i find myself mounting lately

one day i will explode

there is only so much that one person can take.

then poof pop goes the weasel

kids can be at risk?

so can bullied pressure on the dam

middle aged old broads too

one too many scoops of bullshit



i feel it in myself

i have to get away from people

because i find myself wanting to fn slug them

i was never like that before

this is why i need out of this community


it is the mocking and the harassing and being made the town freak show


that is the pressure on the dam

at least some where new or bigger

id have annonymity i wouldnt be so conspicuous and the talk of the town.

people say the rudest most audacious crap to me

you wouldnt even believe it if i told you

these women were mocking me at my zumba class yesterday

three of them came from the far left front of the class

to the far right back of the class

and said o show us how its done

and they were all laughing at me

mocking me.

the instructor along with

it is just sickening

i cant even just go to class and or for a walk and be left alone

some man walking his dog yelling my first name out to me


and i have no idea who he even is.

but he figures to know me and my name

that is how much these people talk in this town

it is like middle school

for the whole of your life.

no social skills

inexposed and ass backwards.

the other day this one woman that bullies me all the time at the gym

was getting in my grill

like literally physically getting up my ass

i was gonna pop her in the chops

i had to go into the other room

and i pounded my water bottle on the top of the counter

no one was there i was alone

just to let out steam

o this other old old lady was harassing me in the zumba too

she was like my moms age

she says

o you are so distracting i cant stop looking at you in the mirror

i said what does THAT even mean

she says

you have so much rhythm ive never seen anything like it.




i told her to stop watching me and pay attention to the instructor.

what a bunch of assholes.

then some random woman in the change room asked me if i had checked my weight lately

why am i looking fat obviously like that other woman said to me the other day on the street?


man i just have to get the mo fo out of here.

and im waiting

for this outcome.

so i know.

if i can go.

and if i cant

i will if you catch my drift because i will NOT

live here anymore

i will take myself out literally




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