i will

I find when i participate in things outside of my comfort zone

i end up feeling worse for

because i cant stand that im disabled

and even when i have growth and progress

i feel depressed, because i am still not where i want to be

in way of ability and competence and confidence.

This is a part of the reason why i end up isolating

because even tho i might be bored and it is unrewarding etc

i dont feel small because of my inability to perform

or do well

i feel small in comparison to other people when im around them.

for example the minute someone is in the room

i tend to be more dependent than i would be if i were in a room and expected to do a task

alone.

when someone is around i lose all confidence and i dont think well for myself.

i ask them how they want things done and what to do rather than think for myself.

i feel like a goofy awkward teenage boy that spills a drink and the popcorn when he really likes a girl he loses all coordination and doesnt know how to act

my anxiety gets so bad that that can become the case.

then people look down on me think im incapable etc.

when im on my own and i can work at my own pace in my own way free of worry and anxiety of others being around, i get er done.

When i first started riding i was too afraid to ride on the trail.  she tried to take Rebel and i out on the second lesson and i freaked out.

i was really upset about it actually

since then we only ride in the arena.

i asked becky this week if we could go trail riding.

i think she was shocked.

lol

i figure if cicb wont fund me and my funding from the hospital is done in the middle of december

i may not get the chance again to ride outside before the weather turns too bad.

so we went trail riding.

i asked becky to put on a lead rope just in case.

i am able to steer her and ride her without a lead rope in the arena

but i didnt want to risk it too much. a bit of security in case i got too overwhelmed and couldnt give her clear signals while we were out there alone.

she really likes to ride with the others.  she takes her social cues from the herd, and if we are alone she gets spooked easier than when we are with others. 

when i rode her alone last term she would misbehave and be less cooperative when we were alone but now we ride in the one side of the arena while they do a group lesson on the other side so she settles down happy her friends are there.

so ive been doing fancy schmancy things on her inside; in and out of the pails and in a W shape on the bars on the floor, and weaving etc. going over the poles.  It is fun. we never even hit a pole the last time; Becky was impressed. i was too. : )

so we conquered the fear of riding outside, and we went on a trail ride.

i was happy and yet still disappointed in myself because i want to be able to ride, independently no lead rope required.

My skill and confidence are not there yet.

so i end up disappointed in myself instead of relishing in my accomplishments or growth.

i hate being disabled. and in so doing i hate being me and myself. i really do. this is not what i visualized for myself at 18.

this is not what i had planned.

the rental subsidy is not working; they are giving me the run around. and then i wonder to myself, what is best for me?

is it actually better for me to move on so i have a clean slate and maybe a chance at working etc without bias and prejudice or designation and pigeon holing according to my disability

or should i stay where i at least have some community supports and connection.

it took me 8 yrs to create the connections i have albeit imperfect and other things i dont prefer.

i dont know whats best for me anymore

is it better for me to move on and and throw it all on the table and take the gamble that there is the possibility of something better, something more,

or do i stay where i at least have some community as when i was in toronto i had absolutely NONE.

same with at the wildlife center, i love the animals and that but i wish i was more confident and better at what i do; the other woman does it so matter of fact.

i hesitate; my self esteem has become so eroded by being in windsor< so if that is the case maybe i would be better off with people free of bias.

dunno what to think or say.

all i know is that the animal community has said to me outright

we will never hire you.

which is just so soul crushing to me.

if i could clean for the animals anywhere especially with the cats

and get PAID even minimum wage, a couple hours a day or three times a week etc.

id feel like a queen.

i would i could throw my shoulders back and feel like i matter and i have talents and things to contribute to my community.

everyone wants the ability to earn their own money.

i also love to be outside.

i said that to mom i wish i could be paid for walking. lol

my brother and i and even my sister still all love to be outside.

mom could never get us inside for food or night time.

we played all the time.

outside.

too bad i cant get paid for that; i could do errands dog walking garbage picking up in a parking lot etc.

nope.

consistency is the hardest thing for me in volunteering and jobs and relationships.

the emotions get the better for me.

and then i dont want to go.

and sometimes it wins and i dont.

nugget isnt doing well

she is having a hard time breathing and she snores at night

she sounds like my other cat i had before i got her and ezzy and simeon from vancouver, her name was skitch

and nugget reminds me alot of her

fat and black and lays about.

she had pleural effusion too

and so does nugget obviously

she is no spring chicken herself.

she has to be at least 17 herself.

there is a little kitten at the humane society id love to have.

she reminds me of ezzy girl.

another thing that bothers me is that the things i do that excite me or are accomplishments to me in my very small and limited world

no one else really celebrates.

my mom has always been like that

and things that she knows would make me happy she would never take the initiative and go get a kitten for me because she knows im sad about ezzy.

nope.

they would n ever do anything to just make me happy

and that is not loving someone.

love is wanting the other person to be pleased.

and no one has ever cared if i am or not

the only one that has ventured to make me happy per say are my niece and nephew

he bought me a 48 case of cat food : )

and she bought me a stuffed cat

at least they care if im happy.

they know what makes me happy whether they think it is silly or not etc, and they aim to please.  That is what loving someone is about; wanting to please them

-------------------------------------------------------------------

hi im back i drifted off there i was talking on the phone and unable to focus on what i was saying

anyways part of me wants to try something totally new because im bored and feel limited by the mentalities here

but the truth is that people may have those mentalities towards me and my disability no matter where i go frankly

they may not but they may

i dont like my history being here tho; it is very triggering even the smells on the breeze

and then on the other hand im a i love my home kind of gal too. i was raised rural and im definitely in a strange love hate way connected to the land. sounds corny but it is true.

flat like the prairies and when the fields are all taken in in the fall you can see field after field spotted by homes as far as the eye can see.

i dont even know anymore whats best for me that is how much ive lost myself and my courage and my nerve.

and yet in some ways im braver than ive ever been.

i dont know the answers; what do you think?

stay where you know your hand, no matter how limited and albeit imperfect meets some of your needs

or do you eighty up and risk your hand throwing it all on the table caution to the wind.

just dont know what the answer is

but in the meanwhile im not getting to move anytime in the immediate anyways

so what i try to do is take it one day at a time right where im at.

cuz thats really all i can do anyways.

right?

and play it as it flows.

I just dont even know what i want.

saadia who told me she wouldnt go to the mediation with me even after she promised she would or i wouldnt have entered into the battle field if i would have known my army was going to abandon me; she has the nerve to call me this week.

what for? trying to set me up obviously

her boss sent me a letter and said do not contact us basically saadia the hospital etc

? how is THAT legal.

but anyways lol this is what he says and she claims it was him that wouldnt allow her to go with me to this mediation ( where her mouth is moving she is lying)

and so when she told me she was betraying and abandoning me again

i hung up bawling on her

and havent spoken to her since.

she has the nerve to call me to see whats going on with my housing situation.

how about none of your business. if you dump my ass and you abandon me and dont want to work with me? you think you have any privy to my business. NO YOU DONT.

i just didnt call her back.

she doesnt want me in her life then dont think you have the right to know what is going on in my life anymore.

no friend of mine.

speaking of no friend of mine; i havent heard from miss alabama stupid ass there that voted for donald trump.

she is a woman, gay and disabled, and she votes for that.

STUPID IS AS STUPID DOES i say

nuff said. really.

speaking of no friend of mine this new woman that im working with she is not to be trusted to; she has the nerve to ask me of my degrees and i said i have a teaching license and she responds "o my well you wouldnt want to take your stress out on children".

you cant even trust people. i beg your pardon lady; i have NEVER i repeat never taken my 'stress' out on a kid in my LIFE. nor would i ever. kids animals or old people or disabled folks.

get real. give me some credit. i have more control than youd ever give me credit for . and in a weak moment i trusted her?

sheesh like always live to regret man live to regret.

i couldnt believe and yet i could that that rude ignorant son of a bitch said that to me.

i have never been mean or abusive nor would i ever be; id lay my life down first ; would i ever be abusive to a kid or the listed above.

i have never been inclined to even because im not threatened by them; i feel safe and accepted non judged by kids; it is asses like her that do the judging.

she has some nerve.

wow. i was so insulted.

and i dont like even recruiting her help because obviously even with that assumption and PUT DOWN and false accusation basically, she cant be trusted; from throwing me out like i was garbage ages ago to this shit.

i dont like even asking her for the help i need with things; but where else do i have to go to?

so i do.

see? so in this regard i want out.

i just dont know in the least what is in my best interest.

but like i said i ride the tide

and im not moving today thats for sure so i just play it as it comes.

one day it will click and ill have a choice to make or the freedom to choose.

and then,

i will

 

 

 

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