do over

My sadness and grief cannot bear it

for missing my Ezzy girl.

and the fall is always naturally hard on my spirit to begin with

fills me with melancholy and sadness

the time of year my mom left my dad and we left the farm for good

never to return for him

it is the time of year i left wayne behind

hoping that he would turn away from the booze

and come to me instead

which never did happen even what almost thirty years later

i left him

had to move on literally and otherwise

for teachers college in another city

time of year pepe died

and school starts

leaving me behind as a teacher after i worked so hard

to get out of my beginnings.

to end up stuck

in a lifeless unmoving stagnant

pool of water

i call my life

it reminds me of a sink

that needs snaked.

the water just sits there

cant put more in it

but cant drain it or refresh it either.

stuck.

growing fungus and bugs.

Im lonely for having no one to talk to either

i have no phone supports and i cant get through to a crisis line during the day

and then at night it is still slim pickings; a bit better

volunteers able to come in after their regular daytime activities.

The pain of missing her is just so overwhelming

ive run the gambant.

unable to sleep

to sleeping all the time

from not able to eat

to eating nothing but garbage exclusively

to wanting to be gone all the time

to not wanting to leave the house.

the guelph grief line for pet loss

never did get back to me whatsoever.

elizabeth tried a few times

but then went on vacation and ive never heard from them since.

all i know is i am suffocated for the loneliness of it all

you cant talk in the gym for everyone talking about you

you cant even be friendly because they are so small town they talk about you if you talk to them.

so how does that not make you lonelier?

it is just insufferable

it is just awful

my counsellor quitting on me and leaving me with nothing or no one

but erin brokovich over there that is a substance abusing twat literally talking about colleagues and her clients.

i dont like her i dont trust her

i dont want anything to do with any of them

I JUST WANT OUT OF WINDSOR

I JUST WANT TO MOVE.

OMG

i cant stand any of this much longer.

life wont be transformed some where else and ill be lonely too

but at least i can exhale and be myself

unlike here where i am constantly forever the butt of their gossip and their narrow mindedness

i cant believe my brother and sister never acknowledged my bday

nor the kids.

that is just hurtful as shit.

im so done.

the only thing i enjoy ( well when it goes well like yesterday)

is my riding.

That was so much fun to steer her yesterday. She did such a good job.

:) no lead rope and no hand on the harness nothing

i did it all myself

even learned how to do the saddling and the bridling.

which i want to know how to do alone.

becky maybe can always tighten the girth tho

because she bites when you do that. lol

those are some big horse teeth.

anyways i best scoot and scadaddle

i was up too late last night

so im behind the eight ball today

sooooo sad and tired.

I JUST MISS MY EZZY SO BADLY

if i had a wish that i could make come true

it would be to be able to have her come to me new all over again

and have another twenty years with her.

i was looking at her rickety carrier they brought her to me in

abbey cat adoptions in toronto

it was tied with a piece of twine to keep the door closed.

blue.

with a yellow door.

they may not have valued her

but she was the best thing that my money could ever buy.

I am so sad and lost without her.

there are no words even.

and nothing i do to cope helps.

I just miss her so much

and it hurts so badly

and nothing seems to soothe the edges.

nothing.

ugh. sigh.

 

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