My sadness and grief cannot bear it
for missing my Ezzy girl.
and the fall is always naturally hard on my spirit to begin with
fills me with melancholy and sadness
the time of year my mom left my dad and we left the farm for good
never to return for him
it is the time of year i left wayne behind
hoping that he would turn away from the booze
and come to me instead
which never did happen even what almost thirty years later
i left him
had to move on literally and otherwise
for teachers college in another city
time of year pepe died
and school starts
leaving me behind as a teacher after i worked so hard
to get out of my beginnings.
to end up stuck
in a lifeless unmoving stagnant
pool of water
i call my life
it reminds me of a sink
that needs snaked.
the water just sits there
cant put more in it
but cant drain it or refresh it either.
growing fungus and bugs.
Im lonely for having no one to talk to either
i have no phone supports and i cant get through to a crisis line during the day
and then at night it is still slim pickings; a bit better
volunteers able to come in after their regular daytime activities.
The pain of missing her is just so overwhelming
ive run the gambant.
unable to sleep
to sleeping all the time
from not able to eat
to eating nothing but garbage exclusively
to wanting to be gone all the time
to not wanting to leave the house.
the guelph grief line for pet loss
never did get back to me whatsoever.
elizabeth tried a few times
but then went on vacation and ive never heard from them since.
all i know is i am suffocated for the loneliness of it all
you cant talk in the gym for everyone talking about you
you cant even be friendly because they are so small town they talk about you if you talk to them.
so how does that not make you lonelier?
it is just insufferable
it is just awful
my counsellor quitting on me and leaving me with nothing or no one
but erin brokovich over there that is a substance abusing twat literally talking about colleagues and her clients.
i dont like her i dont trust her
i dont want anything to do with any of them
I JUST WANT OUT OF WINDSOR
I JUST WANT TO MOVE.
i cant stand any of this much longer.
life wont be transformed some where else and ill be lonely too
but at least i can exhale and be myself
unlike here where i am constantly forever the butt of their gossip and their narrow mindedness
i cant believe my brother and sister never acknowledged my bday
nor the kids.
that is just hurtful as shit.
im so done.
the only thing i enjoy ( well when it goes well like yesterday)
is my riding.
That was so much fun to steer her yesterday. She did such a good job.
:) no lead rope and no hand on the harness nothing
i did it all myself
even learned how to do the saddling and the bridling.
which i want to know how to do alone.
becky maybe can always tighten the girth tho
because she bites when you do that. lol
those are some big horse teeth.
anyways i best scoot and scadaddle
i was up too late last night
so im behind the eight ball today
sooooo sad and tired.
I JUST MISS MY EZZY SO BADLY
if i had a wish that i could make come true
it would be to be able to have her come to me new all over again
and have another twenty years with her.
i was looking at her rickety carrier they brought her to me in
abbey cat adoptions in toronto
it was tied with a piece of twine to keep the door closed.
with a yellow door.
they may not have valued her
but she was the best thing that my money could ever buy.
I am so sad and lost without her.
there are no words even.
and nothing i do to cope helps.
I just miss her so much
and it hurts so badly
and nothing seems to soothe the edges.